此刻的歌。

最近,我迷上了一首歌。

恰巧的是,这首歌其实就是我前阵子在闲暇傍晚随意转台时决定收看的一部台剧的插曲。戏里有个情节用了我最喜欢的两种花,hydrangea & baby’s breath,让我看了好开心,好惊讶 — 世界上竟然有人这么有品位 (像我一样 >.<),把两种这么完美的花放在一起!哈哈哈。我开心得拍下了那一幕,把它放上了我的 Instagram。

Picture1

当时并没有注意到那戏剧有多特别,或是歌有多好听。我看应该是因为我收看的那一天,已经在播出大结局;没看前篇,又怎么能对角色或故事情节投入感情呢?

说是这样说啦,没错。可是当男主角最后终于出现时,我还是哭成泪人。

也许我会如此伤心,是因为我深信,世界上没有任何分手或离婚或任何的分开离别的方式,能比被死亡夺走自己的爱人来得痛苦。

这首歌呢,其实就是李千娜的《不曾回来过》。

让我对这首歌异常着迷的地方是因为它的歌词。尤其是这几句:

过去的 就让他过
我并不脆弱
只记得 当时的我
深刻地爱过

我难过 我懦弱 学不会洒脱
越想念 越失落 悲伤里走过
很久很久以后 终于找到心的出口
现在的我勇敢放手 让你自由

总觉得这首歌就像是我心灵的粮食,听起来真让我感觉到无比畅快。

有兴趣的话,不妨去听听看哦。:)

莫名的感伤。

不知为何,此刻的我感到有点不安的惆怅,有点沉静的焦虑。究竟是什么原因,或是缺少了些什么,我真的不解。

也因如此,应该如何让自己提起精神,让自己提起干劲好好地做完手头上的工作,我还真不知该如何是好。

就这样我来到了这里,开始打起字来。希望借由在这个不属于我生活里的任何一个人的地方用我心里热爱的华语打打一些字,抒发这些多余的情感,让它们有个能解脱的地方。要是能就此解脱了,那便希望这感伤不会再如此地纠缠着我,缠绕着我;别将我打入这一个没有太阳的,没有欢笑的,阴暗的,孤独的一个空洞。

世界上还真的没有一个不痛的失恋。只有痛不欲生的痛,或忍受得了的痛。

有时候,我们以为自己坚强,有超人一般的克制力,能在失恋过后继续恢复日常生活– 不哭,不烦,甚至能把关于对方的一切都挤到脑子里的备库里,似乎不再被他或她影响。谁知道,就在自己自信地以为自己已经痊愈时,习惯性地卸下防备时,总有一刻会在我们眼底下不知觉地触动那似乎早已埋伏着的情感与回忆。

这时候,当那被一直长久性地被搁置的伤透了的心以及当初不愿治疗与平服的纠结从新被翻开时,坚强的我们马上变成了逞强的我们。

搁了一段日子又被掀开的伤口就像是在海啸发生前一直退回海里的浪一样,来袭时是如此的波涛汹涌,奔腾不息,让自己万分的措手不及,心碎至极。

我就说到这里。让我好好的回家治疗我这凌乱懊恼的心吧。

祝福你。

What I learnt over the years.

Growing old is strangely serene. I truly think so.

I don’t have a full long list of things that I learnt in life, just 3.

1. Childhood is the shortest period in our life with the longest impact.
An interesting conversation with my colleagues revealed that most of our homosexual friends often come from single family, with their sexual inclination being of the same gender as their missing parent. E.g. A friend of mine who is masculine, had no mother around her when she was growing up. Another gay friend of mine, had no father when he was growing up. Of course there are others who were sexually assaulted when they were young, and of course the others who were seemingly born gay, that could have contributed towards them being homosexuals, but I do find that the missing father or mother figure creates a deep impact on the child.

For myself, I grew up with 2 elder sisters who were inseparable. I recall being told that I am extra and often trying hard to please my sisters so that I am one of them. They also said that I separate my mum and dad because I refuse to sit alone on the bus and either of my parent had to sit alone. I did not think that these were harmful because they were after all mere jokes and ‘harmless’ comments my sisters said as kids. However, I grew up constantly seeking to please others, to be liked by others, fearing greatly being disliked by others or being left out. Again, I did not think these were causing problems in my life, until recent years (I’m 28 this year).

My own partner, did not recall having a bad childhood though he remembers his parents quarreling when he was young. He said it was nothing, just normal quarreling. Upon checking with his sister, I realised that it was actually a traumatising experience because the siblings hid in the bedroom, crying and in fear, as CDs and household items were thrown around and shattering just outside the bedroom door, amidst the parents’ shouting and screaming. My partner was 8 or 9 then. He probably didn’t know what was happening. He grew up, detached from his own emotions and pretty much unable to grow attached to anything in life, jumping from one thrill to the next. The biggest problem is, he doesn’t realise it and doesn’t see it as a problem at all.

The scary thing is, impact from childhood experience doesn’t shout or scream for attention or make themselves known. They are embedded deep within, growing with you, and every dysfunctional event that occur as a result of the impact from childhood just seem so natural.

I can go on and on, about child psychopath, or adult pedophiles who were sexually attacked when they were young and grow up sexually assaulting others too. But I won’t, because I’m sure you already got the drift.

2. Staying true to oneself does not necessarily work; sometimes, change is better.
I joined my current work place because I wanted to learn from my boss how she managed to move up to a senior management position and stay as one, when she kept true to herself. By keeping true to herself, I mean being a super direct, blunt, frank and straight forward person who doesn’t sugarcoat words and outrightly show her sarcasm and displeasure without holding back.

I wanted to know because I was just like her but I faced roadblock at my previous workplace. I felt that I should stay true to myself and not change. Because why should I become someone I am not, just to please others?

Well, eventually, she left the organisation after I joined for 2 months and I witnessed the problems and tension she has to face, not purely but partly, because of the way she is. I learnt then, that sometimes, change is good.

Because there is nothing wrong with changing for the better and becoming a better self.

3. Beauty and good looks are much less important than we think.
Now, I used to harbour the same thinking a lot of people probably has. That looks are important, though it is not the most important thing, but c’mon, I’m pretty sure its on the list of Top 5 important factors, hahaa.

This is true, until I met this super gorgeous lady who looks almost like an aged Fiona Xie; slim, high forehead, almond shape face, big dolly eyes. And she is 45 and already has 5 kids! I thought the loving guy with her was her husband, until I realised that he is just a boyfriend and that she is actually separated from her rich husband, who has demanded to divorce her. She had wanted to kill herself until she met this current boyfriend, because she does not work and has no means to support her children and thus she can’t divorce either.

Main point is, she is so pretty and yet, she’s miserable.

I always felt that maintaining good looks is definitely one important factor in keeping your man beside you. As the guy tries to stay faithful, it is the woman’s job to put in effort to make it just that tiny wee bit easier for the guy to not stray. (this is debatable, but well.) I guess it still is, but it is never a guarantee.

More importantly, I learned that nothing is more important than ensuring that we stay relevant as a person. Relevant, as in self sustainable and self lovable. Looks is just a part of it, not a huge part, neither a small part. But never make the mistake of placing looks and beauty above things in life.

Now, I look forward to learning more things in life and becoming a better person. 🙂

Onwards and ahead! *flies

Life is a constant struggle 

I really like this Japanese model called Kiko and often am mesmerised by her Instagram posts. Her life filled with glitz and glamour. And her recent posts on MET Gala is no exception.

Then of course, it daunted on me that the gala is a huge event with stars from different countries gathering together. Including Kiko, a Japanese model.

And then it next hit me that when she’s at the gala, she, a well known model and actress  in Japan, is probably a relatively unknown star compared to the Hollywood artistes. And this is despite the many hurdles she’s been through in her work in Japan.

And it made me realise that it will be a constant struggle that has no end. Many people just keep aiming for more, keep striving for more and it’s not a bad thing but if we allow the ability of being able to go higher to define our success and happiness in life, we simply end up in a rat race that will never end.

And that’s how so many high achievers, from business owners, bankers, to artistes and celebrities, can be so successful yet face so much unhappiness in life; addiction, affairs, gambling, depression, etc etc. 

Yet without that drive and persistence, how can one achieve great heights?

~56 days

It has been 8 weeks since it all went downhill.

I have been living alone for more than a month and everyday, it is an unknown how I will feel. Admittedly, I feel better when I have activities planned, be it meeting friends or simply doing scheduled household chores. But come moments when I am totally free, sometimes, just sometimes, this feeling of emptiness and loneliness start to seep into my veins and threaten to spill my otherwise peaceful mood.

I am unable to differentiate certain things sometimes. One big thing being, whether I miss him, or do I simply miss being loved, being doted on, and just having somebody by my side. It is confusing because there is a difference between missing somebody and missing having somebody.

I guess it is not important because either way, I’m still alone.

I have also come to realise that emotions can be a decision and can be controlled, if we consciously allow ourselves to do so. I find that when loneliness hits me, I can switch to feeling free, cool and independent with a simple change of perspective. From missing someone, feeling hurt and sad, to accepting that I am hurt and I am alone in a melancholic but peaceful and cool manner. And simply breathing and realising that I am fine at the moment, and that I will be fine at the next.

It also helps to picture myself as the female protagonist in different drama. Choose to stop seeing myself as the sad forlorn woman who just lost her love, but the cool independent woman who accepts her fate and is actually admired and loved by many.

My sister said before that I am scary because I have the crazy ability to extract myself from the situation and look at everything from a 3rd party perspective. Even when I am directly involved. And the evaluation is always standalone from a logical pov.

I guess I can’t be more glad and grateful for having such skill.

I will survive.

 

It’s been long.

It’s been some time since I last wrote an entry.

Recently, my life took a turn and though it feels really terrible for now, I know its for the better good.

To document that painful process, I’m actually maintaining another site at myseparatedlife.wordpress.com, as linked accordingly in my profile.

Decided to keep my normal life and my painful life separate. So, for a more gloomy and dark experience, feel free to head over. I am afraid it may turn out to become two sites maintained by a bi-polar person, hahaa.

So from today onward, let’s have a new beginning.

Journeying off to a new future.

30 oct 2016

For lack of a better title.

Its been slightly more than a year since I wrote about feeling detached and upset about my situation of being abandoned and casted away at my previous workplace.

Yes, previous. I am already at a new place.

A better place? Not sure. But at least I am able to do the job assigned and do well at it, actually. Colleagues are fine. Though I am unsure of what I want for my future.

Actually, I do know what I want and I have a plan. I just need to act on it. Like, stop being  a wuss and actually do first before being worried over things that are not going to happen unless I actually start doing something.

On a random note, I marvel at how relentlessly idiotic and shameless some people can be on Facebook. They should really stop posting stupid status and comments.

When we are drunk, we do crazy things we would otherwise not do. This crazy thing differs from people to people and along the years, this crazy thing changes too. For me, it used to be dancing with strangers, speaking in Japanese, flirting, being fun and crazy on the dance floor. Right now? It is really about replying nasty-but-true comments to stupid posts on Facebook just to let them know how dumb they are wtf.

Not gonna do that. Nope.

I am actually drinking and listening to EDM in my own apartment. A bit high and having this one-man-party. I actually kinda enjoy it wtf.

How old have I gotten, jeez.