中島美嘉ー僕が死のうと思ったのは

Shit happens. Like, not saving the file that I have painstakingly done up to track my movement in Japan, from purpose, location, destination, address, duration, time, cost, direction etc.

*POOF!* GONE

And I am now happily eating my half eaten sausage mcmuffin from breakfast for lunch. Best way to save money and feel full — buy an extra value meal, have the hash brown and latte for breakfast. The sausage mcmuffin can leave for lunch. So, it becomes $3/meal. Awesome.

Same goes to lunch at kopitiam. Just dabao something dry e.g. fried rice, cai pang etc and save the other half for dinner. Works too.

Again, only works if you are made of steel like me.

The main thing I will share today is this live performance by Mika Nakashima…

As I was watching it and biting into my burger, I felt that I was swallowing tears than food. I have had friends who died from (possible) suicide, the ultimate decision they made because of depression, in the past year or two. And I  myself have had similar moment that I felt that my world was crashing down. Had it not been my fear of pain and love for my mum, I don’t think I’d be here typing this, because when I recall the pain, desperation, hurt, helplessness and hopelessness I felt back then, I myself marvel at how I even recovered.

And the way the lyrics was written, the music, and her performance… it was so… raw. I can’t find another word to describe it, but it really felt raw.

And it brought me to one conclusion at the end. What hurts the most when I wanted to give up, was not anger or regret or unhappy memories, but the good memories, the happiness, and the love.

When she sang the part, “わかってる わかってる けれど” I think my heart gave up beating for a while.

And the way the song ended with that tinge of hope. Mindblown.

And that is how powerful music, songs, words, can be. If you think about it, music is like a language. The only universal language, maybe?

I guess I am slowly walking away from the worst, but there are times when I feel that shadow tugging me, crippling me still. But, though I am usually sentimental and semi-depressed here, I am actually very optimistic okay? Lol. #disclaimer I am just severely plagued by a melancholic soul.

I did a quick google and I realise that is actually a legit term. Wow.

Somehow, having that assured ‘diagnosis’ makes me feel so much better. That I’m not of split personality, because I am usually happy and bubbly, but when I am at home or alone, I snap into this melancholic self. When I have no problems in life, I start to crave being melancholic. I look for songs, poems, movies, quotes to indulge that need to be sad. When I have problems in life, I do the same, and feel deeply satisfied by being understood through the mediums. It is like, melancholy can bring me to this deep comforting depth within me that I belong to.

For a while, this issue with melancholy left me, when I thought I found the one. And I actually liked it. I was happier. I realised joy actually felt better.

Well, until joy left and I realised.. hey, melancholy knows me better after and will never leave me.

I need to learn to befriend joy more, hahaa.

And I will!!

Come to think about it, I should really get down to compiling all my favorite quotes and lines to print them into a framed poster on my wall. The nail has been there for more than 1 year, ready to be used to hang a frame, but I’ve yet to do anything to it.

Towards Joy,
Bbye.

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