Today, I was analysing the relationship patterns of a friend and turns out, there is no clear pattern after all.
Why I started doing it was because I noted a trend with mine. Though there was no common way of how my past relationships started, they always ended the same way.
1. He quits the r/s
2. I agree to the break up
3. They regret and want to get back together after a few weeks or months
It just makes me feel that it is a given that it is a game of taking one for granted. And the couple that manage to not take each other for granted will win the race. Quite true in a way, isn’t it?
I think I fear regret too much to not do my best and give my all. It is almost like I am preparing to break up bravely; when it happens I can say, “I have tried my best!”
And that is how I treat my relationships.
I do my best. I thank God for them when I pray. I always let them know I appreciate them. So when the day came where I am getting married soon, I did not see it as a big deal. After all, marriage is just a relationship, just that it comes with legal ties, isn’t it? And to put it even more crudely, it is just for registration so that we can buy flat, be official beneficiaries isn’t it? It is after all, a relationship between two who love each other; whether we are legally recognised or not, it does not matter. And if things go wrong, divorce and breaking up is the same, just that again, one involves the law. No?
Well, that’s the simple way to look at things and technically, it is not wrong.
But as someone who got married before, I have come to see that marriage is not so simple. Not because it is hard for two to live together, but it is the whole effect of being married itself.
After I got married, I felt the relationship literally becoming more stable, and stronger. It is a different bond and mentally, even research has shown that it changes the way a men think. And then, even relationship with his family became stronger. Gradually, it felt good. We felt closer. I actually felt that marriage was amazing. For us, it should not have made a difference since we have been staying together for years even before we got married and moved into our ow place. But still, it was different. Cohabiting and and marriage is just different.
Of course, d-day has to come when he decided to call it quits. We did not quarrel and there was no drama (maybe a bit on my side) and we amicably decided to separate.
Now, I look back and see marriage differently all over again. This time, with much more clarity on love and marriage as one.
When he decided to leave, he gave very compelling reasons for me to accept his decision. And much as I loved him with all I had, I decided to agree to my loss, simply because I felt that it was the best thing I could give to him — freedom. And I never harboured hatred or anger towards him. I couldn’t. I loved him and I understood why he did what he did, though I found it hard to accept. I understood. And how can there be hate, malice or selfishness when there is love? All I worried about, apart from my broken heart, was how he was going to be happy in this life if he never ever learn to appreciate what he already has. I worry that he will never find true joy and happiness if he keep seeking new thrills. I worry that he will look back and regret. I worry that he will live a less than perfect and fulfilling life that he deserves to have. I worry that he learn about loss and defeat too late in his life, that by then he will have no will to recover and not have somebody by his side to support him when he needs it. I worried and it was all about him and his well being.
And then I realised. That’s love. Something I never knew I was capable of — putting somebody else’s happiness before mine. Going through pain to grant him what makes him happy.
And that’s marriage. Marriage, is love. Love that shines during dark times. Love that only blossoms when shit gets real. Marriage is a symbol of love.
Whoever said that marriage is the end of love does not know what love is.
And so I conclude, marriage is special, sacred, and beautiful.
It is not just a paper, or a signature, or a legal process.
It is a commitment of love between two for two.
It should never end nor be broken.
Now I know.