Doormat.

Recently, I’ve been talking to a friend, G, about past relationships.

It dawned on me that I have failed in every single one quite miserably, in the sense that my ‘ditched rate‘ is 100% i.e. I have been the one being broken up with in every r/s that I’ve been in. The consolation is that, the ‘regret rate‘ of these ex-s have been 100% as well — all of them will return regretful and ask for reconciliation within days or weeks.

At least that tells me that I am not mental or crazy that all guys flee from me.

Of course, some I gave chance again (cos I am touched they actually treasured me after all) but still, they didn’t work out in the end because history will repeat itself and I learn to cut things loose before I lose my own dignity.

Technically, by literal meaning of resilience, I should be super resilient by now.

Maybe that is why the pain of each r/s failing keep getting worse as well. It is almost as if my tolerance for such behavior increases every time I recover from one. So if I take Lvl 1 shit from 1st guy and recover, I realise Lvl 1 Shit from 2nd guy is nothing and then when it reaches Lvl 2, I fight it like how you would a boss in game, and again, recover. Then 3rd guy introduces a bigger shit and it happens again. (sorry for being gross lol)

I attribute the repeated history of my ex-s to men’s tendency to take me for granted. But if I have to reflect… Perhaps I was just giving and giving, losing myself and not giving them a chance to ‘need’ me since I am always there for them. According to the book Why Men Love Bitches, I am a doormat. Not good.

Basically, door mats are girls who devote themselves to a man, shower him with a lot of love, love unconditionally and am not afraid to let the man know that. And according to the book, that does not work, because, well, men love bitches.

Bitches are women who are independent to the point of not giving a shit about guys, leaves when she doesn’t get what she wants, and basically, lives for herself and only herself, on her own terms. So bitches give men that ‘chase’ and ‘challenge’ that men, apparently, thrives in and enjoy.

I can’t say I agree or disagree totally, because some traits are good (being independent, confident, has her own life etc), but others are just plain selfish. I mean, the traits of bitches portrayed in the book? I find that only women who are so jaded that they stop loving will be able to achieve them. And worst of all, it definitely will not bring them happiness to be so; it just prevents them from being hurt. And perhaps bask in the joy of having guys who consistently pursue them, but nothing past the point of the chase.

And by the way, there is no one woman in this world who can act like a bitch when they are in love. It is not in our genes to be able to do so. So what happens in the end, if we follow the book, is that we will end up trying to be someone we are not to win over a guy who will fall for this someone-we-are-not. So… I do not see the purpose in following the book in that sense. You can be a bitch and win over the guy, but how long can you stay a bitch and keep a guy?

And this is assuming that guys are really as per what was written — loves the chase, loves girls who they can’t get, only ‘respond to no-contact’ etc. I highly doubt that this is true, though I do agree that there are many guys who are like that. They speak the same for girls (think 男人不坏女人不爱), but I super disagree with it, being someone who turns away from the slightest rejection and hater of playing-hard-to-get. It is also not true that everyone will take things for granted, given that I don’t. And because I don’t, I believe there’s other ‘I’s in this world. Someone who appreciates kind gestures, appreciates attention, appreciates love, everyday, even if it becomes a norm in our lives. Because I know this norm in our lives, is considered a blessing compared to the norms in the world. and we cannot afford to be so myopic in what we see. Just because I have a husband who dote on me everyday and treat me right all the time, it does not mean that it has become a norm in the world, it is still something that is rare and precious. And that is what decent human beings do. We know that nothing comes easy and we show appreciation.

Of course, sometimes we forget. But that is where communication, reflection and prayer comes in to remind us of what is important, good, and true in our lives.

Instead of giving the fun of a chase, perhaps it is better to give the warmth of gratitude and assurance.

And if a person take me for granted again, I can always recover and tell myself I tried my best.

And as with all my past relationships and heartaches…

I lost someone who does not love me truly while he lost someone who loved him truly.

Who’s loss is that?

Not mine.

Sincerely,
Doormat

 

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