So I’ve not been writing as regularly recently and it is, of course, because I’ve been… busy.
Work is hectic, personal life is packed too, so this space is neglected.
Now, let me attempt to revive it by writing about the story of how my friend found the love of her life and uprooted herself to a land far far away.
My friend, K, has always been single since day one that I got to know her. She is a tall and strong woman who is never afraid to voice her opinion. Naturally, she is not the typical kind of girl that Singaporean man goes for.
From what I know about her past, she only had one serious relationship with a guy, who did not treat her right. It just went on and off for so many years with no outcome.
Until end 2014, when she joined her friend on an overseas trip, did she meet this guy. Let’s call him M.
M is a german and they met while K was with her friend in Germany, as K’s friend was attached with this german boy then. M continued to contact K after she came back to SG and I still remember the stage of ambiguity where she kept wondering if he is just friendly or perhaps he is into her. Well, time always tell and after some time (don’t remember how long), M came over to SG and K and M began hanging out and they eventually got together!
It was a sweet story. I remember feeling super overjoyed for her 🙂
Of course, as with all transnational relationship that involves LDR, it is never easy. They spent more months apart than together. Of course when they do meet, I can imagine how much better it is, since delayed gratification always makes everything that much better. Then came the other issue — when will the LDR end?
If I may cut the long story short, K decided if she wish to keep the r/s, she has to move over to Germany because M was not successful in finding employment in SG despite trying his best to do so. As such, she aimed to complete 1 year of employment as a social worker to gain the necessary experience before she heads over to Germany. This is part of her master plan because she know that even if the r/s does not work out, she can always come back and find a job back. And she truly did it. She’s now living in Germany, as Mrs M, attending German language classes and taking her free masters (awesome Germany, well done)
and continuously complaining about the harsh winter there, lol.
A lot of people are envious and told her, “Wow! You are so lucky! Go there be tai-tai!” I myself thought that way at first go. After all, it has always been my dream — to get out of SG, live with someone I love, and have the time to do what I want without being stuck in rush hour traffic every morning just to earn a living.
That is, until my own marriage failed. Because then you realise, that beautiful dream? Yah, sure it is beautiful, if human beings are not so flawed and selfish that they may bail on you anytime.
Many people did not see the risk and sacrifice that K was making when she made the move to Germany. She gave up her career, spent her own money, left her family, to go to a place where she will have no friends, no family, no income and nothing else except for M and his love
and endless winters. It isn’t the tangible things I just listed, but rather the social and financial support that all attribute to our own self worth and well being, these tangible things, that she chose to give up. She is relinquishing her independence, autonomy, control and self sufficiency for her own well-being and happiness into the hands of M, who is just another human being who is not obliged to do any of those for her, who has the freedom to not be responsible for her anytime he changes his mind, as long as he feels like it. And she will end up with nothing to herself.
To people who only know love and not loss, they do not know how grave the decision by K was and how scary the decision can be.
And how many men actually see the significance for such a decision? Does him being a provider, earning his keep, paying for both of them in their daily lives, make him the ‘more amazing person’ who is willing to care for K? Honestly, when you compare the loss of income due to living with K for M and the loss of the intangible stuff due to the move to live with M for K, I think the latter is actually ‘paying’ so much, so much, so much more. People tend to just look at the tangible i.e. $ and forget the intangible just because, well, they are intangible and can’t be seen with the eyes but only with the heart — and who actually see things with their heart nowadays?
K literally gave up herself to live with him. Imagine the plans she had to make, including insurance policies, savings, loans, and all other commitments that were disrupted or halted because of the relationship.
Now, we can all just hope that all men will see the gravity of such an arrangement. Even if it is just a wife choosing to stay home to take care of children and giving up her career to do so. It truly is scary to be without income because unfortunately, like it or not, income plays such a huge role in giving us our sense of worth and independence. And that is why, husbands who cheat on their stay-home wives are such assholes. Many people said “stay home mums make huge sacrifices” but how many actually see it this way? Most just assume that it is about growing old and haggard (think 黄脸婆）and losing touch with the society. But they do not see that stay-home mums simply lose themselves altogether, if I may put it across in a more extreme way. I’m not looking down on stay-home mums and I’m sure stay-home mums have a way to have self-worth as well, but it is still not the kind of tangible ‘worth’ the society recognises. Without career and income and family, what are we, after all?
And I think that is why, women need to submit to their husband and husbands should love their wife. For the sacrifice that both undergo to ensure that two may stay together. If the husband appreciates the sacrifice the wife made, he would never betray her or her wrong, but instead always love and cherish her for what she has given up to be with him. And if the wife knows her role, she will do her best to support her husband in his career and be a good companion at home.
But all in all, wife is really meant to be doted on. Because happy wife, happy life!
I guess whatever I have written is to do with wives who give up their ‘life’ for the marriage and family. Probably not so applicable to all.
For myself, I do seriously wonder if I am capable of making such a huge move like K
since men can’t be trusted. I have a beautiful house, meaningful job, supportive family, wonderful colleagues and friends, an amazing life. What will ever be so great that I will be willing to throw away all these amazing things, purposely lose my independence and literally throw myself into a burning house where I will crash and burn?
I guess only love can.
And… only time will tell.