I’m going to try updating daily with something nice I did for myself from today onwards so that I can be sure that I’m putting my decision into action.
I started the day well because I took a short time off work to have a proper breakfast. Usually I like to stash up my off hours (for no particular reason) and today, I decided that I should live one step at a time. I also know eating rice is not beneficial for weight loss but I don’t want to have to lose weight to comply to society’s measure — I want to be fit, not thin.
Hence, I did good today, good job, good job, me. Lol.
And I feel better already. 😊
Recently, I came to sort of a cross road in life. I was kinda lost for a bit and somehow, my logical side failed me. Failed, as in failed to give me a proper logic system when analysing problem, or gave me too many hypothetical logical explanation and analysis for some queries and problems I faced. It ended up confusing me and making me super lost and frantic.
What shocked me was that, for probably the first time, I realised logic doesn’t always work and it might not be the way to go, because my head and heart functions on a feedback loop. This means that if I am overwhelmed by emotion and I try to use logic at that juncture, my logic becomes flawed. And without sufficient facts, the very strong logical side of me can force me to believe in things that are otherwise untrue, which is crazy because I end up logically sabotaging myself. Do you know how toxic and scary this is? And this will happen as long as I try to be logical when I am overly emotional because there are endless possibilities in this world, endless hypothesis that can be drawn and as such, endless ‘truths’.
And that was what caught me off guard; the ‘truths’ I assumed that weren’t actually true.
I learnt it the hard way, with damage done to relationships and hurt inflicted on myself and others. But was it a good lesson learnt? Yes, I think it is. Initially, I was overwhelmed with regret and remorse for how I was and what I did and never did. But when I think back, I think it happened for a reason, as with all things in life. Which is why I believe in the concept of providence. It didn’t happen randomly and I still believe that God is in control amidst all the mess that I made.
To me, it was a worthwhile lesson learnt on how to become a better person and a better presence to the people around me in my life. Not just for them, but more for myself because I want to be happy and I want to feel good about myself. I want to believe and trust in others and it begins with me believing and trusting in myself. I need to stop projecting my fears and belief on others and end up with self-fulfilling prophecies.
So should I be afraid of losing someone because I was being myself? No.
Should it be that people choose to leave me because I was being myself at a pre-upgraded, pre-advanced version, with glitches and flaws, that he or she can’t accept and choose to leave and not stay to fix, that is fine; I should not be worried and feel like my life is over because I am supposed to self-fix anyway! Whoever stays to support and assist, they are my bonus. But they are not here to fix me. No one can fix me other than myself, though they can make it easier for me to help myself, like a boost. So if they stay, love them. If they leave, understand and love them still and wish them well.
Most importantly, I believe that God is in control amidst all the mess that I have made and done. I know that there is an amazing plan for me and if this current seeminlgy-awesome plan doesn’t work out, or if a particular relationship that seems perfect isn’t meant to be after all, then I should look ahead and rejoice! Because, wow, if this amazing chance is also not meant to be, how much better is the next phase going to be, that it can be even better than whatever I already think is perfect now? Sure. Bring it to me. I be crushed for a while for now, but I know it will all be fine in the end.
This means that if at the end of the day, a long lasting romantic relationship is just not in the plans for me in this life, that is fine too, because that just means that there are other plans in store for me that is just as amazing.
So, for now, I’ll be nice to myself.
I will remember that I am deserving of love so I should not doubt love when it is presented to me.
That I will not give just to receive.
That I do not need validation from someone else that I am loved because what matters is me knowing how to love first.
That my needs matter and I should prioritise myself and not fear losing people because I am me.
That I don’t need people to think that I am attractive because I don’t live to be attractive to people but to myself.
That I should not fear what lies ahead because everything is always in control.
And I should not be afraid to let people go if I know they are not good for me and I, not good for them.
I think it is amazing how returning to the bible always gives me guidance, like a compass in life.
Of course, I am still work-in-progress. It is so easy to type these but it doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with self esteem anymore or will never have bouts of down-times again. I know I will still doubt myself at times (think PMS lol) and struggle very hard when I start to lose people in life. I will still be paranoid and fear will still grip me when I feel that I am not loved or am losing love. But it is okay, because now I am aware. And awareness is knowledge and knowledge is power. Power to control.
But what I can do now, I will, which is to start a relationship with myself.
Love myself with all I have, even if I become a bit self-centered in the process because that’s how much love I need to be ‘healthy’ again.
I am going to give to myself, invest in myself.
And I know in this relationship with me, ‘both’ parties will try our best to fix the problems and we will strive and we will be able to build a bond that last.
I may sound really self centered and self absorbed throughout the post, but let me clarify that I do not intend to become some crazy self-loving person who doesn’t know how to love or give and be stuck up enough to be okay with losing people in life. It is not so. It is just that to me, without this fundamental foundation of self-assuredness and self love, I feel that I am unable to devote myself to and love this somebody unconditionally without burdening him. I have someone I want to be right for and I really hope I can make it right for myself, for him, and for us.
And! This is all so when I, one day, ever have the privilege and blessing to marry my future husband, I will be able to love and have a marriage build on joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5). Because that is how I want to love someone deserving of my love; with the best version of myself that I can be for him.
So, happy dating, me. 🙂