Words.

Words are beautiful and powerful.
Words change thoughts.
Thoughts change mindsets.
Mindsets change decisions.
Decisions change lives.

And I have found no other more therapeutic ways and means of sorting out my thoughts and healing myself other than through writing. So many times I’ve started writing with no end in mind, only to come to a closure at the end; be it emotional closure or literally closure by a decision made.

And so I continue writing.

You must think that I’m stupid You must think that I’m a fool
You must think that I’m new to this But I have seen this all before

I’m never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I’m never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true

I’m way too good at goodbyes.

Are you good at goodbyes like I am?

This song is probably the ultimate song of the year for people hurt by past relationships. We usually continue to have hope for a better someone even if 1 or 2 relationship(s) fail because every relationship is unique and sometimes, people hurt us, and sometimes, we hurt others. But when relationships keep failing again and again despite us trying our very best, it just wear us down and we become so well trained to guard ourselves better in and for the next.

In a way, we become damaged.

And yes, we love songs like these because it resonates with us but yet at the same time, I believe that we all want to be wrong. We want to stop saying goodbye. We hope that there is a reason for us to not want to say goodbye. We want to have a reason to not have to say goodbye at all.

Maybe that is why we make it so difficult for others. Because if it is so difficult and the person get there and is still around at the end, maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time, this person is the one. It is selfish and silly, but that’s how much we believe it takes to make it work; to make us work. And we do not purposely make it so; it is like a default mechanism built within us and we are programmed to be that way. Because that is how difficult it feels to us and our actions follow.

Because how many times have things been easy and sweet from the get go but only end up breaking in the end anyway?
Well, not a lot of times, just every single time.

 

But though the above is very very real, I’m also ready to say that it is not fair to the other party to have to pick up our mess. So I try my best to balance whatever nonsense behaviour I give by default. Sometimes I zip between being emotional and being rational and it drives me nuts, and I wonder which is the real me. Because either alone does not feel like me. I’m logical. I’m emotional. I’m not one without the other. And then for a moment, I feel really lost, like, what exactly am I? How can I behave in a way that is in congruence with my own being?

And I realise…

This bag of confusion? This randomness? That’s ME.

It explains why I struggle being either because either isn’t me. I am both — the extreme emotional and extreme logical. And I need my partner to be able to see this, walk me through with this, understand how I work and accept me the way I am. Because either of being emotional alone or being logical alone does not work. I want to, as far as possible, do the right thing that does not discount the needs of both parties. Hence, I struggle, for good intention. And hey, change is uncomfortable and it is never easy to change, so naturally, the struggle is real before we reach a better spot.

Maybe that is why I need a partner that I feel 100% comfortable, secured and free with, otherwise I have no idea how I am supposed to be myself because it takes a lot of communication to make it work and I don’t dare to open up and share freely unless it is safe to do so.

And much as there are things that I can change in myself, I think this core within me is going to be hard to change, if not impossible. It is essentially what defines me, in fact. Not ashamed of being this way, and I don’t think I should be sorry for it either. If eventually, my partner leaves me because of this, it will not be a fault of mine but a mismatch. Then that’s when my skill of saying goodbye comes into play, perhaps.

Most importantly, I don’t want and I don’t need to be someone I am not.

Perhaps my previous relationship was so easy I forgot how it feels to work hard for someone to make things work. Or perhaps, every relationship isn’t easy, just difficult in different ways.

Last but not least, random but Megan Markle is a divorcee and she’s marrying a prince who is younger than her. I guess I should stop using a divorcee tag to discount myself, hahaa. And, believe that happiness is just around the corner.


You who will journey with me in life, thank you. 🙂

end

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