Random.

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Hi.

I look so happy but actually, I am going crazy from an on-going renovation in the office building. The sound of drills and drills and drills. Drilling through concrete and metal.

I’m dying, dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I’m dying, dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There’s a shade come over this heart that’s coping with laying down to rest
I’m dying to live without you again
I’m dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I’m dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It’s the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I’m dying to live without you again
The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there’s not a prayer that can survive
Dying, dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, dying to say what I always should have said
It’s a strange emotion this but there’s still hope in this
As long as there’s a breath…
I’m dying and I can’t live without you again
It’s a strange emotion this but there’s still hope in this
As long as there’s a breath
I’m dying and I can’t live without you
I’m dying and I can’t live without you again

When this song decided to play in my Daily Mix playlist on Spotify, I felt my heart crash a lil bit because waves of nostalgia came pouring in without me knowing. By the time I became aware of it, I was already enveloped in the loneliness and pain I felt back then, so many years back, when things weren’t looking too good and this Five for Fighting album was playing on loop.

Strong feelings I feel when I am listening to songs during certain periods in life always get stuck to the song. No matter how many years later, I will still get the same set of emotions I felt, as if it was just yesterday when I felt that way. It is like the smell of chopped garlic on my fingers that refuse to go off no matter how many times I wash my hands, the lingering scent of a woman’s perfume on the seat belt that never goes away, or the faint scent of shampoo on pillowcases that aren’t really there but yet definitely there. They just stay. Stubbornly so. Hauntingly so.

These days, I find myself at the cross road more often than I have ever been, more often than I expect to, and definitely more often than I want to. I wonder if I am going around in circles, hence the multiple cross roads.

And some times, I find it hard to tell how I am feeling. I literally can choose to feel what I want to feel. That is a good thing but somehow, I feel a little less human that way.

It also means that I can switch off my feelings in an instant.

Perhaps that’s my super power?

*flex muscle

That’s all for today.

 

 

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One comment

  1. GJH

    Do you think the pain and loneliness you feel, and the feeling of your heart crashing is because you haven’t really gotten over it? Switching off your feelings doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s just that you don’t see it.

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