How can it be a blessing for couples to quarrel? We all know that sickening feeling of being at war with someone we love. The confusion, the hurt, the hope and the disappointment.
I have come to realise that the times when I engage in a quarrel with my partner, is when:
- I want the relationship to improve because I care for the relationship
- There is trust and I know that it is safe enough to quarrel; he isn’t going to leave me
- I have the faith that I will be understood and I want to understand him
So, with the premise above, quarrels are a blessing. It is not that I pick quarrels and love to quarrel, but simply that at times, quarrels are necessary if an issue needs to be sorted out to ensure a stable future.
The times when I choose to keep quiet and avoid quarrels at all cost even though there is an obvious and serious issue is when:
- I no longer harbor hope that the relationship can improve
- I don’t think there is a future
- I fear he will leave
- I don’t have faith that I will be understood anyway
- I don’t care even if I am misunderstood
Usually, that is my last resort. If my silence can avoid quarrels and hopefully lead to a better state for the relationship, perhaps that is a solution, even if it is a temporary one. If it still doesn’t work and I run out of the will to continue because I just can’t go on absorbing the issues or facing repeated unhappiness despite my efforts to avoid them, I will walk away. Or more rightly put, I wither off anyway.
An ex bf told me that his previous r/s was perfect because he and his ex gf hardly ever quarreled because they were both ‘matured and gave in all the time to each other‘. Eventually though, the gf chose to break up citing the reason that her parents objected to the r/s, which left him in shock. Of course, I do not believe that in this day and age, anybody in their 30s will simply break up with their partner over parental objection; not at least without trying to rectify the issue. It doesn’t help that I know my ex bf temperament — stubborn, self centered at times, and speaks unkindly when he is in a bad mood; none of which makes a r/s easy. My guess can only be that perhaps the parents were the trigger that led to her decision to break up when deep within, she has probably chosen to swallow a lot of unhappiness to avoid quarrels throughout the duration of the r/s and eventually chose to walk away because her ‘parents object to it anyway’.
Having known how meaningful quarrels are, I still hate quarrels.
Will people appreciate the need for it and brave through it together as a couple, stay loving and remember how even the act of quarreling is a sign of love?
I wish more knew.