Why women suggest a break up when they don’t mean it

I hardly ever give up on people. so far, it usually happens when they have given up on me first and I am forced to give up on them so I can move on.

But this time, I gave up first.

I am not sure if it is because I am just too damaged from my past or this time, it is different. I really am not sure. Have I played the ‘闹分手’ card before (Loosely translated as fake-want-to-break-up-when-I-don’t)? I thought I did, in my first relationship.

But actually, I didn’t.

Fact is, I never changed much. The times when I do suggest a break up, I actually do mean it.

When I suggest a break up, it is because I feel that I am at my wit’s end. I am helpless. I don’t have a solution. I don’t know what else I can do to solve the problem(s). Of course, if nothing changes, the same issue will surface and the relationship will not work out and hence, I suggest breaking up. Do you know what this means?

This means that I do not want to break up.
But I have to break up.
Please convince me and tell me there is hope,
please tell me there is something we can still try,
that there is a solution you want to try,
that you do not want to give up because there is no need to give up now.
Then show me that you love me enough to want to try and how to try.

Do you know why girls use break up to ‘blackmail’ men? I actually do not think they are blackmailing them. It is just their pathetic attempt of getting hope that the relationship will work out after all because they think this one simple ingredient/solution will miraculously solve the problem in the relationship that has led their relationship to come to a standstill: Love. They want to know there is still love left because they think that with love, they can conquer the problems together.

Not so illogical after all if you can just understand the intention of someone’s action. It is just that when you are matured enough, you know that love alone does not conquer all odds, and hence you stop employing this ‘tactic’. That though love is undoubtedly the most important ingredient and probably the basis for a relationship to recover, love alone is insufficient without concrete plans, actions and effort.

So when we, who are older and matured, suggest a break up, there are probably a few possibilities…
(1) We want to break up but we do not need to
(2) We need to break up though we do not want to
(3) we need and want the break up

No. 1 hurts the least.

No. 2 hurts the most.

Perhaps what men consider childish and ‘blackmail’ are girls who suggest a break up at the slightest crack just to force the guy to ‘submit’ to them, when the problem isn’t even huge. That falls under (1). Of course it could be a case of leaving one guy for another guy, that can be (1) too. Either way, it hurts to least to ask someone to break up like that because it just mean the guy isn’t that important or precious to you, that you can risk losing him through a tantrum anyway.

No. 2 is really painful. Because this is when we have to harden out hearts and let go of the love we feel so that a ‘hopeless’ relationship ends and not drag on. We probably hope the guy can offer us hope and solution, so that the need to break up can be taken away and we no longer have to go through with something we ourselves do not want.

No. 3 is probably the result of exhausting all means to solve the problem and yet failing though and through. That now, we know that we not just need the relationship to end, we actually want the relationship to end too. No more denial, just acceptance.

What I realised is that when I am at No. 2, I still fought and struggled. I felt that the only way out was to end things. Why? Because even my last attempt to hang on by asking for love and affection failed. To me, that was the last hope. Did I think that love could solve the issues? No. But I knew he had a solution but I was not convinced that the solution will work without the most basic ingredient and basis for growth, which is love.

So what did I do?

I gave up.

I walked away.

And pray that soon, I can be at No. 3 the next time I wake up in bed.

I’m already made of metal but I didn’t know giving up on someone is so hard and can hurt so bad, perhaps more so than being the one who was left behind.

But I’ll survive.

And… perhaps I’m already at No. 3 because I’m made of metal and run by logic? I’ve always been a ‘feeler’.. I feel first and then I think. Emotions run faster than logic to me, but give it enough time, logic always catches up. So I just need to be patient.

Now, moving on.

Til then,

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11 comments

      • Dixon

        Wahaha you two like got the mo qi ma :X he not gao meh? i believe he should be quite Fu as he machiam work 24/7 and make so much Yen and is recently into investing :X Shuai is subjective to individuals i guess but he looks not bad what hahaha. Lastly Gao hmm…. can’t really tell as i have not met him before, but unless you are tall yourself, getting a tall guy will have alot of inconveniences (when it comes to hugging, kissing etc), either u tip toe like mad, or the other person must bend and break his back :X lolol

          • Dixon

            Ya you guys keep in touch via comments for few years, quite consistant, plus u guys also meet up and stuff right? that’s quite good mo qi what! hahahaha

            Eh cannot find leh all extinct liao i think, plus all the ppl i have mo qi with still married and attached hahaha then i also abit picky like u 😛 prefer tall , christian etc lolol

            I just went last december though hehe! Hm this year i still dunno when can go leh, i now in my final semester of my part time studies, then i will throw letter in my job and go apply lang sch in Japan liao (probably year end Oct intake or else is next yr Jan intake) wonder if i should skip going Japan this year to save money :s

            you leh?! when you going??

            • Shining Broken Soul

              Hahaa ‘still married and attached’ sounds so wrong. Don’t you have mo qi with somebody who is legally and literally single? lol. And no, I’m not picky pls, lol.

              Which area in JP did you go to in dec? And you should probably apply language school way in advance because if you are staying more than 3 mths, you need a visa and the school usually takes 6 mths to process visa for you. Last I checked in dec, they were taking application for July 2018 class.

              I’m going this Friday but it is for holiday… lol. If you are talking about studying JP language, that’s a big question mark because it is so expensive. When i enquired, to progress from N4 to N2, it takes a year and that’s easily around S$10k on school fees since a 6-mth full time course costs around S$6+K. Nonetheless, that is something that’s still in my plans, just not sure when it is going to happen. Who knows, we may be classmates, hahaa.

  1. Dixon

    haha GFS still not picky?! :X most would have settled for just Fu. Ah dunno leh, i think single ppl got this sort of resistance (or maybe i just sway), then it like harder to even get along even as friends, while people who are married and attached, i guess they let their guard down, then can very quickly become friends, good friends and then “max level friends” when the line becomes dangerously thin (of course it stops here as we wouldnt want to commit adultery (even if it’s non-physical).

    Ah i went to Tokyo again (i abit sian liao, went there 5 consecutive times in past years), but this time it was with my best friend and his wife (i was third wheelin lol). Actually we wanted to go Osaka/Kyoto region, but the air tickets were insanely exp and we didn’t want to bomb hundreds on the shinkansen to and fro, so settled for Tokyo again, bo bian haha.

    Ah yes! i was looking at a couple of sites (gaijinpot studies etc), uh but problem is i can’t commit until June/July when i get my results for my final semester, because if i fail, i need to retake my uni mods then have to delay a year 😥 i am doing 3 literature modules this semester, and i totally suck at Lit >_<

    Omg which part you going!?! dint you just go last Nov or smth? i am so jelly :< Ah yes the costs of studying Japanese in Japan $_$, i see the price also abit sian liao, i think the whole cost of living and studying (just 6 mths) might cost as much or more than my uni fees sia :/ But in a sense, i got a hidden agenda, i actually want to get a eng teaching job there and stay there for a while haha… if my finances can make it, i might want to stretch or extend another 6 mths to lepak a year! hahahaha

    ehhh i thought you got N2 already? isnt that good enough for most jobs already? :S why still want to study the lang then? i would think you are at the level where you can probably self study or proficient enough to be on your own le.. ? (*would like to be classmates with you as i need Japanese studying Khakis) unfortunately, i just got my N5 only (barely passed) and have stopped studying on and off since last year :/ (oops wall of text, paiseh).

    • Shining Broken Soul

      No problem. I appreciate the info hahaa.

      I studied until prep class for N2, but officially I only took JLPT N4, though I think I can barely pass N3 if I do take it =x. I’m not that proficient lol I can’t speak the language at all to be honest. Can only read.

      And yes it is very expensive to study for 6 mths or 1 year. I’d think you need around $1.2K a mth for expenses and that is minimum? That’d make it around $12,000 for 6 mths. A year would be $24,000. Not sure how you gonna stretch that. And to get english teaching job, best if you have related degree (best if from local U) or tesol, toefl. Good luck man. Save more. lol.

      I’m flying into tokyo then going up to Hokkaido! I’ll post photos. Hahaa.

      Jiayou bro. You might want to consider continuing to study JP in SG before you head over to maximise the studies in JP.

  2. Dixon

    Wah still not bad leh, how long have you stopped taking lessons (are you still studying it now, like otot?)
    Ya lor, i think confirmed squander every single cent i have and come back SG a broke man if i don’t get a job 😦 G_G

    ehhh my degree English Lang and Lit, i purposely choose to try make it as relevant as poss haha, but cham leh, is a part time course from SUSS (formerly unisim), just recently turned “local” but not say very “local” in public’s perception haha! Nvm i have a bunch of alternatives, if i fail to get hired, probably come back SG, maybe try apply for NIE be legit teacher for awhile, or go back into a gov job (i am currently already in gov job so should be able to get back in i hope lol) or else maybe go wash bowl for japanese restaurant while i work on my N2 or smth :/

    Yay, please post more, i miss Japan already 😥 Enjoy your trip man, stay safe and have a good one! 🙂

    Thanks Thanks! currently now a bit stretched with work and sch work though, i am thinking of enrolling into one of our famous jap lang schools when i find the time (maybe Bunka etc)… i still got my other demons to slay though (anime and gaming G_G), haha life is too short man : |

    • Shining Broken Soul

      I first studied til N4 level 10 yrs back, recently went for N3 and N2 prep class last year. I do hope to get it to official N2 level one day though I am not sure when, hahaa. Interestingly, I studied at bunka last time. I loved their lessons! But GJH thinks Bunka is odd cos they do not follow Minna no Nihongo and he believes in that, so… hahaa. And maybe just do a GJH and go JP #yolo who knows what life brings you? =x (easy to say but I can’t do that. I am too cautious to yolo, haha) JIAYOU

      • Dixon

        Ah Bunka doesn’t use Minna no Nihongo? What do they use then? Their own in-house materials?? Hmm i see, i have a friend studying there now, he says he likes it too, maybe i`ll give them a try soon! Hahaha he damn well prepared though, went there with N2, CELTA etc, i`m going to be severely unequipped compared to him when i go over >_< but yes YOLO seems fun hahaha

        You should try to YOLO too hahahaha if not life no meaning leh 😛 (but yolo responsibly tho haha, have some Fail-safe plan or smth haha.

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