I hardly ever give up on people. so far, it usually happens when they have given up on me first and I am forced to give up on them so I can move on.
But this time, I gave up first.
I am not sure if it is because I am just too damaged from my past or this time, it is different. I really am not sure. Have I played the ‘闹分手’ card before (Loosely translated as fake-want-to-break-up-when-I-don’t)? I thought I did, in my first relationship.
But actually, I didn’t.
Fact is, I never changed much. The times when I do suggest a break up, I actually do mean it.
When I suggest a break up, it is because I feel that I am at my wit’s end. I am helpless. I don’t have a solution. I don’t know what else I can do to solve the problem(s). Of course, if nothing changes, the same issue will surface and the relationship will not work out and hence, I suggest breaking up. Do you know what this means?
This means that I do not want to break up.
But I have to break up.
Please convince me and tell me there is hope,
please tell me there is something we can still try,
that there is a solution you want to try,
that you do not want to give up because there is no need to give up now.
Then show me that you love me enough to want to try and how to try.
Do you know why girls use break up to ‘blackmail’ men? I actually do not think they are blackmailing them. It is just their pathetic attempt of getting hope that the relationship will work out after all because they think this one simple ingredient/solution will miraculously solve the problem in the relationship that has led their relationship to come to a standstill: Love. They want to know there is still love left because they think that with love, they can conquer the problems together.
Not so illogical after all if you can just understand the intention of someone’s action. It is just that when you are matured enough, you know that love alone does not conquer all odds, and hence you stop employing this ‘tactic’. That though love is undoubtedly the most important ingredient and probably the basis for a relationship to recover, love alone is insufficient without concrete plans, actions and effort.
So when we, who are older and matured, suggest a break up, there are probably a few possibilities…
(1) We want to break up but we do not need to
(2) We need to break up though we do not want to
(3) we need and want the break up
No. 1 hurts the least.
No. 2 hurts the most.
Perhaps what men consider childish and ‘blackmail’ are girls who suggest a break up at the slightest crack just to force the guy to ‘submit’ to them, when the problem isn’t even huge. That falls under (1). Of course it could be a case of leaving one guy for another guy, that can be (1) too. Either way, it hurts to least to ask someone to break up like that because it just mean the guy isn’t that important or precious to you, that you can risk losing him through a tantrum anyway.
No. 2 is really painful. Because this is when we have to harden out hearts and let go of the love we feel so that a ‘hopeless’ relationship ends and not drag on. We probably hope the guy can offer us hope and solution, so that the need to break up can be taken away and we no longer have to go through with something we ourselves do not want.
No. 3 is probably the result of exhausting all means to solve the problem and yet failing though and through. That now, we know that we not just need the relationship to end, we actually want the relationship to end too. No more denial, just acceptance.
What I realised is that when I am at No. 2, I still fought and struggled. I felt that the only way out was to end things. Why? Because even my last attempt to hang on by asking for love and affection failed. To me, that was the last hope. Did I think that love could solve the issues? No. But I knew he had a solution but I was not convinced that the solution will work without the most basic ingredient and basis for growth, which is love.
So what did I do?
I gave up.
I walked away.
And pray that soon, I can be at No. 3 the next time I wake up in bed.
I’m already made of metal but I didn’t know giving up on someone is so hard and can hurt so bad, perhaps more so than being the one who was left behind.
But I’ll survive.
And… perhaps I’m already at No. 3 because I’m made of metal and run by logic? I’ve always been a ‘feeler’.. I feel first and then I think. Emotions run faster than logic to me, but give it enough time, logic always catches up. So I just need to be patient.
Now, moving on.