I feel that I am not being myself recently.
Usually when I am wronged by someone, I do not get particularly upset because I just feel guilty that I’ve probably done or said something to cause a misunderstanding. And I am usually pretty chill about it because what’s so difficult about explaining and clarifying?
But I’ve not been like this recently.
A few weeks back, when I was wronged by C for being manipulative, instead of being guilty, I felt amused and ridiculed.
Yesterday, I was wronged and again, unlike the usual me, I got really, really, really upset.
And I realised why.
Because I feel that I’ve put in so much effort to achieve X and this accusation that has been wrongly placed on me just makes me feel that X is at the opposite end despite all my efforts.
It is like flushing all my hard work down the drain. Or spilling coffee on a thesis that can never be reproduced again. Or dropping a freshly baked cake while removing it from the oven. Or an excel spreadsheet full of formula being mistakenly sorted without expanding the selection and you can never undo it.
Because it is so hard to clarify and explain.
Because though the answers and effort and outcome are all there, they are in a mess and in pieces and it feels like it can never be undone, fixed, or reverted to it’s original state.
I surprised myself for having that will to keep clarifying and explaining despite how impossible it feels and despite how wronged I felt. Probably means that this person means a lot, a lot, a lot to me. Maybe more than I think.
Did it work? I don’t know.
I only know I tried my best.
So, coffee for now.