Ytd, G and I discussed about pride.
I think pride is important. We need to have pride and take pride in the things we do. Especially so in our jobs, in our behaviour and in our beliefs.
But to me, pride is a poison in relationships.
I have no pride in a r/s. I don’t care about winning or losing in an argument as long as an argument is resolved because in a r/s, there is no you or I, there’s only we and us. Nobody wins if one party is upset — we either win together or we lose together. I don’t mind if I have to apologise because all I want is for the argument to be solved and honestly, there is always something to be sorry for because in an argument, no one is 100% blameless. There’s definitely something I could have done better, something you could have done otherwise.
So, I apologise.
I saw this video a while ago and it said that…
“There is a difference between winning in the argument and winning in the relationship. We want to be the latter because the argument is just the battle; the relationship is the war.”
Many times in a quarrel, we find it hard to agree with someone’s reaction or behaviour in a situation and that is why we get upset. But actually, we can acknowledge where the feeling came from that perpetuated the reaction. For example, a bf might find it ridiculous when his gf shows her displeasure when he meets a female friend for a casual dinner and movie and disagree with her reaction. He might disagree with her reaction. But! He can acknowledge that there was a feeling that drove the reaction. Why is she feeling that way? If we all try to understand why the person is feeling a certain way that drove his or her action before we attack and show our understanding, quarrels will be so much less damaging. This is because when we do that, we are showing that we are a team and we want to help each other. Simple.
Of course, this is useless unless it is mutual. And it is even more so important that both parties make the effort to properly communicate their thoughts and views.
So, what pride is there in a r/s when a r/s isn’t 1+1=2 but 0.5+0.5=1?
On a side note, I feel that because of my vast experience in quarreling with ppl and my analytical mind (coupled with a lot of reading on relationships thanks to my tertiary studies and work), I have come up with my own way of dealing with r/s, which to me, is fair, reasonable and logical, and it ensures that I put in my best and best show my love and effort. However, the difficult part is that the other party is not within my control. I even factored in chances that I will be taken for granted and give reminders because I do not want to end up being the kind of gf who coddles my partner to think that I am so okay with giving in constantly only to walk away one day and leave my partner stranded with regret when he wasn’t given a chance to be better before I give up. I mean, technically I can walk away saying he is the one who never learnt and never appreciated and try to improve, but I want to be fair to my partner by putting in measures to cover this ‘loophole’ because if I know this is a potential gap, I should plug it.
And so, as with all my r/s, be it romantic ones or with friends, I will have no regrets at the end of the day. I tried my best, I loved fiercely and selflessly and it is not my loss if the r/s fails.
Perhaps my biggest downfall is that men will never appreciate such gestures because maybe they are just not wired to be capable of doing so.
When women cave in to emotions, we are considered crazy. When we are logical, we are considered overpowering. It is just as ridiculous as when men are emotional, they are considered weak. When men are logical, they are considered insensitive. I mean, come on…
Well after all, if human weren’t so flawed, communism would have worked, lol.
Shall end it here.