I’m back because I need a space to share my thoughts very badly. I thought I could hide or just share it with someone but I think nothing beats relying on myself and writing it here.
Just in case you miss my face, here I am.
Have you fallen in love before?
The other day, G mentioned something that I really like. He said, “Everybody only has either 1 or 0 relationships that don’t fail.”
It is so true. Because technically, relationships will be working until the day it ceases to do so — the day it breaks.
Pessimistically speaking, even when we are in a relationship, we are just in a relationship that has not failed till now. Until the day we die can we then say the relationship we had was one that did not fail because death is the only way a relationship can end without failing first.
Sometimes it baffles me why couples keep quarreling. Sadly, most of the time, it is because of the girls, lol. Women are hard to please. We often don’t say what we want, we don’t say what we mean, we want men to guess, we need men to please us. If we don’t get what we want, we throw tantrums. And then we want to get our way despite being in the wrong.
Guess what? Any woman in such a r/s is truly blessed. Because it just means she has a partner who pamper her like a child. Of course, anything too much isn’t healthy, hahaa and it probably can’t last if it continues this way. But the happiest women are really the women who get to be a child in front of the one they love because children are always loved unconditionally and never forsaken — hence the most blessed ones.
It isn’t the first time I am writing about this but perhaps due to my experience in relationship and my naturally inquisitive and analytical mind, I feel that I am very aware of such dynamics in r/s. Like this common situation. The wife slogs at home after work and is the main caregiver of the children. One day, while she is working hard cleaning the floor and grumbling, the husband gets up off the sofa and offers to help. What does the wife do?
- Snap at him and tell him to save it. He should have helped earlier if he wanted to help.
- Tell him to bugger off because he’s not good at what she’s doing; its better if she does it
- Pass the chore over and feel that the husband now can’t be blamed cos he is helping but yet she isn’t very happy cos there’s other chores left and he doesn’t keep up with the act of helping
You may feel that another possible outcome is that the wife is very happy and passes the chore over, feeling very appreciative and loved. Let me tell you that if the wife is such a person to begin with, she would have opened her mouth to ask him to help in the first place. So yah.
By this time, men will be confused and upset. Because they offered to help, right? Isn’t that what she wants and is upset over? What more does the wife wants? Why is she so demanding? This is when the husband gets upset, does the chore (half as good as how the wife does it) unhappily and what you get at the end of the day is a set of unhappy couple, both feeling invalidated. Husband feel that he put in effort and did the work already, but wife is unreasonably upset still.
Let me tell you the answer to this scenario. The disgruntled wife wanted nothing else but the ultimate 3-As:
- Acknowledgement for her effort in keeping the house clean
- Appreciation for her hard work
- Assurance that she is loved for what she does
What she wants is a hug from the back, a kiss on her forehead, a sincere thank you. That’s all, guys, that’s all.
The other part of the equation that makes the situation so complicated is that not all women understand this themselves. They only know how unloved they feel, how much hard work they put in, how miserable they feel, and how helpless it is to feel upset without the right reason to ‘blame’ their husbands for. And they further act out. The husband tries in the wrong way again (due to mis-identification for wife’s unhappiness) and again, fail to please the wife. The wife may verbalise things like “He doesn’t help” or “he doesn’t know how tough it is” or “good lor, he can rest, i do everything”. But what you are not hearing, or perhaps they themselves are not aware of is that what they are actually saying is this “I work so hard, look, I work SO hard!” and the only reason why the verbalise it is because they want to feel that their husbands know this. Validation. Acknowledgement. Appreciation. Assurance.
Throw in confusion plus confusion stacked upon reactions and responses based on such misunderstood needs and more confusion that follows after, and you get a relationship that’s overly strained and ultimately, too messed up and broken to fix. Then both parties feel tired in the relationship and eventually, both give up.
At the root of it all, it is all because of love. Yes, people break up because they love or loved each other. Because if not for love for each other, both wouldn’t have cared enough to quarrel in the first place. Why don’t people focus on the love instead of the pain?
If people can just realise that most unhappiness in a r/s stem from unmet needs driven by their partner’s love for them, there’d be so much more peace and love in this world. Because how can you blame the one you love for loving you?
Do you know that I studied counselling because I wanted to do marriage and family therapy? Hahaa. I think I have a talent for identifying dysfunctional sides in r/s. Unfortunately, I think I am wrong because if I am so good at it, I would be happily married by now, lol.
Which brings me to the next point. R/s involves two. It is magical if both parties are matured and giving, both parties know how to appreciate, and I mean truly appreciate the other and seek to understand first before feeling and acting or blaming. It is alright to wish to fight for their own rights and clarify issues but it is one thing to request for amendments for the betterment of the r/s versus blaming for the purpose of righting based on one’s own justification.
Many often say that in a r/s, one party has to be the one who is more giving. I think this is only true to the extent that the other party doesn’t take advantage of it and constantly push the boundary and is someone who appreciates the giving party and knows when to back off and stop him or herself before the giving party snaps. Again, because this is what a person who appreciates the giving party will do. And when the giving party feels and knows his/her effort is appreciated, he/she will be willing to continue giving in. So simple.
I was the ultimate giving party in my first relationship and guess how it ended? It ended with me giving in till the end and my ex-bf serving me a break up anyway. This is how one party giving in does not work.
If you have a partner who you know is very giving, do you truly appreciate it? If you truly do, then what are you doing to improve things? Are you doing your part in the relationship? Do you know what he or she wants and needs? If you do not agree with him/her, will you understand why he/she has that need or want and try to come to a middle ground with her? If you know he/she places you in front of herself, would you be willing to do the same for him/her? Will you do it, though it is much more comfortable to continue being placed as priority and lord over the r/s? Do you truly love him/her at all?
Or will you choose to be a fair weather friend and walk away because the road is rough?
What will you choose?