It feels like death.

Being abandoned by someone you truly loved and trusted feels like death. Just like the scene I just watched on this Chinese drama that I’m watching where the wife has to watch the husband make a decision that will lead to his death.

It is like death because it is literally the end of something you used to have. His affection, his attention, his sweetest smile and eyes that shine with love when he looks at you. It is the same person but when you look at him, he is not the same person at all. You know the he who loves you is gone but it feels so impossible because he is still there, in front of you. And when that reality finally sinks in and strikes you…

In the drama, the wife wailed and she repeatedly said this phrase, “怎么办?” while clutching onto her husband in tears.

I’ve been through this before and this phrase is very well scripted because in my deepest state of loss, that was exactly the phrase I keep muttering between sobs and also the exact emotion I felt at that time — a gripping fear, anxiety, desperation and pain of an extreme loss that I can’t afford.

You just don’t know what to do and the mix of extreme emotions is so unbearable, you wonder how you are going to continue living on without solving this problem. And yes because it is death, there is no solving.

You just continue feeling that extreme pain and loss for a while. Yes, you grieve. And grieve.

I kinda feel that God gave us the ability to cry because if we do not have that avenue to let out these intense emotions, we will literally go crazy or self destruct.

The good news is that that is usually the worst it will get. After that, you gradually recover. After that, you stop wondering what to do because you realise that it will never come back. After that, the pain and loss diminishes. You stop looking forward to miracles and accept that the dead will not come back. After that, you will move on without actually even trying to move on.

Recovering from loss is almost like exercising. It is so tough when you start to exercise after being lazy for so long, going breathless and suffering from aches. But as you continue doing so, it gets easier and easier. It is almost like our heart and mind, or our emotions, are muscles as well that takes time to adjust with sudden changes in our daily lives. Anything extreme causes pain but we always adapt and heal.

Most importantly, after a while, happiness comes! 🙂

Till then.

end

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11 comments

  1. Dixon

    Why like that? What’s going on?!

    Yarrr next week exams T_T stress, lazy to study, hope i don’t fail if not i GG delay 1 year….

    I also sent an email to Yamasa Institute to ask about enrollment matters, weeee can’t wait to go! 😀

    When are you leaving for Japan ?

    • Shining Broken Soul

      Eh yamasa is so far away from Tokyo, hahaa. My departure date is not fixed yet =/ I’ll update when it is fixed. If you are going to be in Tokyo, let me know! There are some schools in Tokyo as well. Do you want to consider getting a job if you can and study while working? More sustainable.

      • Dixon

        Where got far?! take one bullet train the most 1-2 hrs reach maybe :S ? I would love to be based in Tokyo sial (my fav place) but i no confidence i can beat the ang mohs in getting an Eng teaching Job there. And unlike G, i don’t have JLPT N2 and NUS Degree so i think my chances to get a Job (anywhere in Japan) is super low 😦

        • Shining Broken Soul

          haha hello, bullet train is vr expensive, lol. And i am non-angmoh with no NUS or JLPT certs also but I got the job, so yah, it is possible. You just definitely need a degree because that’s one of the requirement for a work visa. I’ll be waiting. 😉

          • Dixon

            Wah i ever year from singapore take plane to Tokyo more expensive, compared to Okazaki, it’s PEANUTS hahahahaha (ok ALT pay very low, i shant talk so loud first, oh i know! i can take those overnight bus thingy, should be quite cheap le HAHA)… eeeehhhhh but but i want to work in a school or something, Gaba Corp this kind very scary, like machiam sell insurance, never hit target kenna axed hahahaha, i prefer something abit safer 😛 the only idea i have is spamming applications at gaijinpot.com sia when i`m eventually there but the nightmare of later nobody reply me also very real T_T

            • Shining Broken Soul

              I don’t think Gaba axe people because the minimum pay is not their requirement but visa requirement oh, haha. Actually once you get your degree confirmed, you should start applying on Gaijinpot. A lot of schools hiring.

  2. Dixon

    Haha with such a system i think i cfm cmi T_T

    But i have to wait until i get my actual cert or something? If like that must wait until Oct Sial X_X

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