Recently, a friend, J, broke up with her bf, H. To be specific, H broke up with J. He initiated it.
Funny thing is, they are still in contact daily. J obviously still has feelings for H and though she has ascertained that H is not the guy for her (because he is a selfish prick but I shall not go into that), it is just hard for her to let go completely.
Because this H will not let her go.
Now you must be confused here. So am I.
So the situation is that H apparently broke up with her saying that they are no good together and he claims that he has a plan, which involves ‘exploring getting back together’ after some time when circumstances allow, because he finds J to be an amazing person though he don’t find them suitable together now. So he continues to do little notions he used to do when they were together, though he has already broken up with her.
And so I had thought it was just the term ‘together’ that’s stressing the r/s out, so they must still be behaving like a couple, right?
No, because H does the bare minimum for J. He does not contact her much and actually told her that if she does move on, he understands.
So one day when H heard that J was on a date with someone else, he grew anxious and initiated much more contact, as well as a meet up.
But nonetheless, nothing changed. He reiterated the next day that the situation is as clear as it is. Of course to J, it is not clear at all. It is absolutely confusing and odd to her.
Everytime she tries to get some sign or to clarify, he dodges and ignores.
What I find intolerable is the ambiguity in their whole r/s. J is obviously tortured because she obviously adores H. But H, who obviously has feelings for J still, broke her nonetheless, yet continues to feed her bite-sized affection. Bite-sized. So that it is not enough for her to hang on yet not negligible enough for her to just let go. So she stays in that limbo. And she waits. She waits for the day where either, her heart gives up and she moves on, or the so-called ‘ideal circumstance’ happen.
But we all know that girls being girls, that’s not happening. No one moves on like this. Not when you know the person whom you love, loves you too, wow. Yah, even if he refuse to give you a status or verification. Cos girls are useless when it comes to love. *curses
So, I told J straight: why do you subject yourself to such an ambiguous r/s? Guess what? She says that she understands H and that he isn’t good at expressing himself but she trusts in his plan. That he will make it up to her and one day when the plan unfolds, it will all make sense.
My only fear is that she has gotten herself a ‘fair weather friend’. One who only stays when things are easy and fun. And that potentially she is the one who is one-sidedly thinking he is giving her hope when perhaps he is just being ‘nice’ and trying not to hurt her too much, hence continuing to be nice to her for the sake of it, and not because he actually misses her or still loves her.
I really don’t understand why people complicate love. If you love the person, stick through and work things out. If you don’t love the person or don’t love the person enough, then leave.
I just hope things work out for J in the end.
J has updated that H has made his stand very clear to her. She is free to date others and he has the right to be nice to her. What’s worse is that in exchange for clarifying the situation, J is being told that she is being a ‘control freak’ because she can’t live with ambiguity of not knowing his feelings towards her and that she is killing off any positive feelings he still has for her.
What’s wrong with wanting to get a clarification for such a vague r/s that is torturing her everyday? And btw, giving a girl hope and affection when you are not going to be responsible for her feelings is what a player does. Jerk.
J took it pretty well (phew) and decided that she will just accept H as a friend, as she really can’t accept how H treated and is treating her.
At least now, J knows.