Random rant on a PH.

So I’m a bit slow in catching the whole 13 Reasons Why rave but I’ve started nonetheless, as work is officially slowing down since I’m leaving and I’m pretty much free from now till the day I leave SG.

I mean, of course, I’m only going to pack on the last week before I go. Cos I’m like that.

So, 13 Reasons Why. I am not going to talk in depth about it. I think it is an amazing show because it gives those stupid school bullies, teachers and parents a glimpse into the life of a high schooler and how tough the social pressure is at that age. I mean, yeah, to adults, you look at the issue and you generalise it as one simple problem and you just go… Just wait till you get to adulthood to know what real problems are (I’m not going to disagree with that) but you got to understand the world view of a teenager.

So many of us just generalise what other people are going through from our own brain, our own mind, our own world view, and fail to see things not just from their point of view, but actually IN THEIR FREAKING SHOES. Yah, think from IN THEIR SHOES, as in, think how it feels if you are hyper sensitive, if you are super emotional, if you are weak and not strong like yourself are, and you go through what someone else is going through. You, in that situation, when you are the other person,

That’s all I will rant about that show. It’s getting a bit draggy (I’m on episode 7 of 13) and that stupid male protagonist is driving me nuts. I actually don’t believe there’s anyone who will not listen through the whole series of tapes at one go.

Anyway.

Recently I’m trying to get used to a new change and I am not sure if I like it or not. I kinda feel that sometimes I’m kidding myself to believe that I could get used to this change (like how I kid myself that I could get used to jogging wth) but feelings of dread creep up sometimes, like I’m wrong about things, and that this isn’t good for me. I think safe to say, it is time for me to admit that I’m the kind of person who live on the extreme. It is either love/hate or indifference (love and hate are on the same side, really), binge or starve, do or die, permanent or never.

And I’m so optimistic. I’m also really good at helping people to come up with excuses for the way they treat me. In specifics, the shitty way that they do. I realise that it is not because I am kind or I am super forgiving. It is just that I’m so good at coming up with excuses for others for their lousy attitude and behaviour. Like, I allow others to string me on by having hope that he has a great plan and it will all unfold one day, and I held on because I know if I don’t, and when I do give up, I can’t return and turn back and I will feel so sorry for him and for the future me who gave up. Absolutely delusional. So, not wanting to miss an opportunity, I helped him come up with a million excuse everytime he does something shitty. Or, I come up with possibilities why someone is giving me shit attitude at home and live with the possibility and, you know, don’t blame the person. How optimistic am I? VERY. But I think I am kaypoh more than anything else because no one told me to give them excuses, heck they didn’t even apologise or ask for forgiveness, so why did I even bother. How much I hate this part of me, you have no idea.

Well but it all end one day. The day I grow indifferent. I didn’t realise this until I heard about or saw that used-to-be-important someone. People told me things about him and I just go ah-huh. I see him and I don’t feel much except for “yo, long time no see” like you would your colleague who came back from a vacation. Yeah, like a friend. Those more-than-hi-bye-less-than-hang-out friend.

I think I’m getting close to being indifferent to pretty much everybody in my life. I used to get worried if my best friend leaves me out of outings in school. I used to be sad if my family went out without me. I used to miss people. All these people I used to feel for… All these people I made excuses for.

Well, this isn’t totally depressing because it isn’t that I no longer hold them dear. It is just that I learnt to enjoy their company and their existence but not be reliant on them.

And one day, soon, I’ll just be totally indifferent to you. Like you do me.

-end

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